L...

There are moments. Moments where for just a second the phone isn't ringing. The kids aren't yelling my name. School isn't consuming my every thought. I'm not...doing. In these moments, I see your face. I can't seem to keep so busy that these moments don't occur. The unavoidable silence that brings me back to you. A scrap of fabric, a piece of plastic, the aching in my heart. That's all I have left of you. Two phones later, I don't even have the sound of your voice to ease some of the sadness. And, oh, the feelings that come with these thoughts. Anger, resentment, and bitterness are usually the first to come over me. At who? I don't even know. I try and try to name and pinpoint what it is I'm feeling, and it's just not possible. This leads to the confusion that generally surrounds my thoughts of you. You've had such an impact on who I am and how I feel about those around me. Then the sadness. The deep...aching...loneliness to know you. To know who you are, and who you are becoming. For you to know me, for you to know my babies. For them to know of your existence without making them feel as I do now. How can I explain something that I myself don't understand? I am their Mother. I'm supposed to be the one with the answers, and I just refuse to sugar coat for the comfort of others. That's not me, and that's not a trait I intend to instill in those boys. I've already lost so much of myself in this, and being true to myself is not something I'm prepared to impart with. So I just sit in the sadness. I hit repeat on the iPod, and there's John Mayer, the only person who seems to truly understand how I feel. Waking up actually is the hardest part. I pray to a God, I don't know that I believe in anymore, for strength. For answers. For another day. I repeat my little serenity prayer, and hope that someday I will accept. I should be over this, right? I should feel comforted in what I do know. I don't. I know what it's like to be you in some aspects. I know the uncertainty that someday you'll probably feel, and I won't be there to let you know I understand. You won't even know who I am or how desperately I love you. And I do.

All my love.

S